Cultivating a field of f***s to give

Excuse the language but I see meme’s all the time like this one:

I find the meme amusing but also quite accurate. There is SO MUCH going on in the world, and the media would have you believe you must care, and do something, about all of it. It’s easy to shut down and say, “I just don’t care”. The problem a lot of us face is that we DO, in fact, care about a great many things. We just feel powerless to help or we are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of fires that need to be put out.

What if we could grow some f***s to give? What would happen if even a quarter of the population made space to care about something important to them without pressure or judgement? I believe the ‘fertilizer’ needed to grow a bounty within us is self-care. The ‘water’ is prioritizing your well-being first so we can address the issues we care about most. I know many of your just rolled your eyes a bit because the term “self-care’ is a buzz word used by self-proclaimed gurus of peace claiming they are the enlightened ones, and you should follow them on TikTok (or whatever platform they want you to be on).

The fundamental ideas of self-care have been around for thousands of years. Up until now, though, self-care as we know it today was reserved only for the very wealthy. Everyone else was in it for survival.

Let’s define what self-care is first and then we’ll dive into ways to that we can indulge a little bit and, by doing so, grow a small garden of f***s to give.

Basic self-care (I call it primal care) meets your basic needs: food, oxygen, shelter, water, and exercise. I put exercise into this section because movement is vital to our existence and survival. If any of these pieces are missing, it’s going to be really difficult to consider other self-care options because you’re probably in survival mode 24/7. Having been in that mindset for a long time in my youth, I know how difficult it is to see anything beyond the immediate needs let alone care about someone else’s problems.  

The second level of self-care (I call this one higher care) is taking care of yourself mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally, and physically.

Mentally – This could be taking time to meditate, take a hot bath (my favorite), take a walk in nature, adjust the type of thinking you’re doing (I will cover this in another post), and other things that just help reset your mind.

Spiritually – If you don’t have a belief or haven’t really given it any thought, allow some time to consider what you believe and what makes sense for you. You don’t have to believe in a God to feel spiritually take care of. If you are part of a specific religion, take time to read your texts, connect with members of your church, or consider how you feel about your current path. If you are an atheist, taking care of yourself spiritually may look more like assessing where you feel you fit in the world and nurturing your connections with family and friends. Regardless of your belief system, connecting with nature can leave you feeling rejuvenating and connected to yourself and the world around you.

Financially – When I speak to people about self-care, I often get a strange reaction to this aspect. The most common response is ‘what does my finances have to do with anything’. Finances are one of the main causes of stress in most people. Balancing all the bills, making sure kids have shoes, grocery shopping, inflation, illness, house repairs, car repairs, maintenance of everything, the list goes on and on. Even when you have the income to cover all the expenses comfortably, it’s still a lot to think about. Financial care can translate to a whole lot less stress on a person or family which, in turn, can allow you to focus on other areas of life.

                Many of you probably have a method of managing your finances. Many of you wing it. Some of you may have someone else managing your finances for you. Regardless of your situation, I think there’s a couple key things that can help create some peace around money. (If you’re already stress free when it comes to money, great!)  As much as I love surprises and am a bit of an adrenaline junky, I do NOT like surprises when it comes to my money.

1)      Know where your money is and where it’s going. Do you know what you’re bringing in every month or year and where it’s being spent? If you don’t, I would suggest getting a balance book (they’re free from your local bank), a ledger or money manager book from a bookstore, a spreadsheet, an app, or whatever works best for you to track your money. I like to know where every penny is. I set aside about 20 min a day to go through my bank and credit card transactions just to make sure everything is as it should be.

2)      Look over your bills for the month and compare them to the previous months to ensure everything looks ‘normal’. I expect my electric bill to be a bit higher in the summer and my gas bill to be a bit higher in the winter. If I see a big jump in my electric bill in the winter, I’m going to look into it further to see what’s going on. I can pay for it, but I don’t like to give any more of my money away than I must.

3)      Don’t spend more than you make. This one seems so obvious and yet this is how people get into big debt over a long period of time and then wonder what happened. I know. I’ve been there. Track credit card transactions as if they’re cash. If you don’t have the cash, don’t buy it. If you’re already in debt, create a G.O.O.D. (Get Out Of Debt) plan. It’s not going to be fun, but it will be well worth it when you’re on the other side of debt.

Being very intimate with your finances is a great way to ease anxiety around money and budgeting.

Emotionally – Emotional well being starts with knowing what emotions you’re feeling, acknowledging your emotions, and understanding where they’re coming from. Remember you are not your emotions but your emotions are a part of who you are. One of the mistakes most people make is trying to control and change the emotions in real time. Not only is this a recipe for failure, it’s just not necessary. Once you’ve acknowledged your emotion and understand where it’s coming from, you can continue to move through your day or evening as you normally would, regardless of your emotion at the moment. Emotions are one of the most fluid parts of the human psyche.  You could be happy one moment and raging the next. If we take a moment to understand what’s going on, we can act in a way that aligns with who we want to be, not based on our emotion. That might mean stepping away from a situation long enough to assess a situation or process a feeling. Maybe it means getting curious about your reaction to something. For example, if someone scoffs at an outfit you’re wearing, how do you react? Does it make you angry? If so, why? What is the underlying emotion? Are you angry because you really like the outfit and you feel judged? Were you already self-conscious about the outfit and the reaction of another person highlighted your insecurity? Be honest with yourself. Once you trace the emotion and find the root, it’s much easier to embrace it, and figure out how to address what’s going on internally. I plan on doing several blog posts on this topic. It’s a big one.

Physically – This one is listed in both subsets of care: primal and higher self-care. That’s because it is extremely important to connect with your body and give it what it needs to heal and rest. On the primal level, your body tells you what it needs: food, water, warmth, movement, etc. However, your body also reacts to you and your mental state of being. High stress will cause a hormonal response, tense muscles, fast breathing, and other stress responses to happen within the body. Constant high stress can damage tissue, cause weight gain, fatigue, heart problems, mental fogginess, and a whole host of other consequences. Contrarily, stress relieving actions like meditation, massage, exercise, hot baths, or simpler things like taking a couple of minutes to put lotion on your feet and massage them or give yourself a quick manicure can greatly reduce the body’s stress response and start to repair the damage that has been caused.

All this is to say that if you want your field of f***s to have a bountiful yield so you can help put out the world’s fires, then you must put out your own fires first. Once your fires are under control, you can branch out and sew more seeds of f***s to give.

So get a glass of wine, ale, mead, apple juice, or whatever suits your taste buds, jump into a hot bath and enjoy yourself for 10 minutes. It may be just the thing you need to help yourself and everyone around you. Cheers!